Within my reach.

I never felt as good as when I was eating less, and better. Back in 2008 when I started making all of these changes I was incredibly unhappy where I lived and with the relationship that I was in. I couldn't fix the relationship, so I endeavored to find happiness internally, and independently.

Things changed, I clawed my way out from under the unhealthy, suffocating relationship I was in and eventually found myself in one that healthy, understanding, and best of all mutually loving. I backslid a bit in the way of diet and exercise, and I'm somewhat disappointed in myself for that... but it is nothing that cannot once again be undone.

More than anyone, my partner deserves me at my very best, my very healthiest--mentally and physically. My diet should leave me feeling clean and energized, and for the better part of a year it simply hasn't. The good news is that I have the power and control to make the changes I need made. Simply knowing that I will be able to find such divine happiness at home and also within provides me with all the strength and determination I could ever need, it's more than I could have hoped for.

On Sunday Manuel and I are renting a small uhaul to take our possessions from out separate residences and deposit them into a single home that we will soon be sharing with my baby brother. I cannot wait to stock my pantry with all the many keys to my health, and to share those things with mi familia. I have a renewed sense of self, and I don't mean to let it escape me again.

Mortality and Applesauce.

I was eating applesauce out of the jar, admittedly not the classiest thing to do. I was sprawled on the couch, Buffy on my HDTV and jar in hand. I need another thick glug, coughing just barely enough for the applesauce to pour over what must have been a valve in my throat, I was able to swallow the sauce mostly, but whatever was obstructing my throat wouldn’t clear. I couldn’t inhale through my mouth, and what seemed worse, I found myself suddenly unable to exhale either. From the moment I swallowed to this realization, maybe only 4 or 6 seconds had passed. It occurred to me to try breathing through my nose, which I was able to do with enough success, though not comfortably. I was able to exhale a little, inhale through my nose, and slowly clear my throat of the apple sauce. It occurred to me almost immediately that I can very close to choking. For a few short seconds, I had no new oxygen and was only seconds away from what might have been a panic. Immediately afterward I asked myself what I would have done if I had not been able to safely inhale fresh air through my nose, and the thought gave me chills.

I am determined not to die of something ridiculous until I am at least 110.

Secret.

I swoon when my omnivorous boyfriend steals bites of tofu off my plate when we go out to eat.

It's not on the list, but it's something on my mind

On Mother’s day, my two sisters, newly 26 and almost 30, and I sat around a tea table with our mother-of-four, now 48. By most standards, she is young to have 4 nearly-grown children, but you wouldn’t know it to look at her. Years of abuse to her health have taken their toll. She was cheery enough, happy to have her girls with her on her special day and said to us after a while “You are 24, 26, and almost 30, why don’t I have any grandchildren?” We all forced a little chuckle, and lightheartedly I said “I am unwed” and she promptly reminded me that it didn’t matter, and she had Rachel, her oldest, single. So I said “I am only 6 months into my relationship, live in a studio apartment and haven’t gone to college yet” She snorted and said “what do you need to go to college for, what does that have to do with kids?”

I was stunned. What did I need to go to college for? Did she say that? Did my mother honestly just say that? My sisters mercifully picked up the slack here and shifted the conversation, but I had stopped listening. My ears were ringing with what she had said, and as I settled in my rattan chair, the sadness started washing over me. There sat my mom, once so very bright and clever, a svelte beauty, reduced to but a shadow of her former self. That she couldn’t possibly imagine anything more for me, or any of her girls, was nothing short of shocking. Of course I wanted children some day, but I believe I was meant for many things.

My favorite picture.

Who watches music videos any more?

Not me. But, when I was quite young, this one sent me into a frenzy the likes of which had my 12-year-old self glued to MTV for 2 straight weeks, waiting with bated breath for the video to play again...and again...and again. Youtube is a blessed thing.

She was right.

My High School English teacher senior year was the very definition of a spinster. She was a cold and meticulous woman who lived alone with cats, the most obnoxious of breeds to a young student due to the fact that because she had no personal life, she had more time to grade ridiculously involved projects and assignments. I am creative though, and usually did quite well in her class. She would post our grades for the entire class to see every 2 weeks, and I was the target of many angry glares with my name at the top of the list consistently. I will say that for as annoying as she was, I retained more in her class than any other my senior year. I may not have liked her all that much but I certainly respected her. She had a quote on her wall in the classroom printed on a banner no less than 10 feet long. To this day, I recall the words and repeat them to myself often.

“If you always do what you have always did, you will always get what you always got”

Thank you, Ms. Stewart.

"That's the duty of the old, to be anxious on behalf of the young"

I am currently reading the first book in the His Dark Materials series by Phillip Pullman, “Northern Lights”. I’m trying to read more, because not reading makes me feel a little like a moron. Even if I am not expanding g my mind with deep and engaging philosophy, I think the process is a worthy time sink.

His Dark Materials bears resemblances to Harry Potter in that the series is centered around an 11 year old English girl raised by people other than her parents (who supposedly died in an accident, but not really, gasp) who is not yet aware of just how important she really is (I have to say though, she worlds more clever than Harry, who, as much as we may love him, was never the brightest crayon in the box of 96). And, also like the Potter series, the fact that the main character is a child in no way detracts from the real and serious themes that are addressed throughout the series. It is riddled with human darkness, but there are also themes of redemption and hope. I am really quite engaged by it.

One More Time With Feeling

I’ve been watching my way through the Buffy catalogue for weeks and weeks now. As of last night I am on Episode 9 of Season 6. I just finished the episode where Buffy and Spike has super steamy sex and collapse the building with their violent lovemaking. While watching this particular scene, I was able to fully appreciate how far Buffy has com, and how it had matured with its audience. Having rough human/demon stand-up sex with on-screen orgasm is a far cry from Xander and Cordelia making out behind the closed door of a high school broom closet.

I’m really glad that I don’t know how it’s going to end, but it takes a lot of willpower not to peek ahead at episode guides.

If you’re asking me why I like it, my first thought would be I like the emotions it elicits from me. It hooked me in Season 2 with the Angel saga, and though it lulled with the boring College/Riley days, we are back in full swing with the climax of the lusty Spike escapade, and Willows fall into darkness. I laugh, I sob, I curse in anger and indignation.
And when I’m finished with the television series, I’ll move onto the comics, and resume normal xbox play.

Souls in the wind must learn how to bend

I’ve never been one to pick absolute “favorites”, I try to be reasonable and fair…and if you asked me to choose on favorite movie of all time, I probably couldn’t do it. Like anyone, my tastes have evolved over the years. If you asked me what my first favorite movie was, though, that’d be much easier—it was The Land Before Time, by Lucasfilm. It didn’t follow the typical cartoon formula of that time, it was no Disney film. The Land Before Time was tragic and frightening, as heartbreaking as it was encouraging. It made me cry as a child, and I bet it would make me cry as an adult too. The devastating sadness of Little Foot chasing down his shadow-- calling for his fallen mother—is more than I think even the most stoic of hearts could bear. Each of the main characters has strong traits we can identify with, from Peetree’s simultaneous trepidation and willingness to overcome, to stubborn, overbearing Sarah’s struggle to swallow her pride, and admit when she’s wrong. To a child like me it sent strong messages of accepting others as they are, and that family is about more than blood.
The song that plays during the end credits, Diana Ross’s “If we hold on”, touches me deeply to this day. My siblings and I had much to overcome as children, and when I hear this song I can’t help but think of all we’ve been through, and how lost we might be without each other…and how just a little bit of fantasy can get you through even the hardest of times.

When a heart breaks, it don't break even

“Break even” has got me by the balls right now. It doesn’t reflect how I’m personally feeling at this point in my life, but I still identify very strongly with it. Mostly I think I identify specifically with the feeling that the world has moved on without you. It’s a remarkably isolating feeling, and to hear someone else sing your pain can be a little comforting.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay?